When you go on Instagram or Twitter, you see all these beautiful people traveling the world with their expensive cameras, designer clothing, or staying at only the best hotels in the area. That can make the feeling of wanderlust bloom within you, but you often think to yourself, "I could never capture a photo like that."
To an extent, these travelers often are professional videographers or photographers. These people know everything from how to pose, what to wear, and how to capture the best moments. Not only that, but they usually know how to edit their videos and even how to market themselves. That is not your average person traveling to the Caribbean and trying to take a half-decent photo of themselves. These people know what they are doing!
One of my favorite travel vloggers has recently made a series on the app, Tik Tok, explaining her stories behind her travel photos that she posts on Instagram. Most of the stories behind the photographs she explains are not adventurous, not fun, and not overall a happy experience for her. She is trying to have people realize that social media is a business and that everything you see on those apps may not be the most accurate story. With that said, she's still a stunning woman, so I find myself on her Instagram scrolling, wishing I could look just a little more like her.
Body image for me has been something I have been dealing with since I was a young girl. I participated in athletics growing up, developing more muscular legs than other little girls. My friends used to comment on my body. They would point out that both their thighs put together was the size of one of mine. They never commented maliciously to hurt my feelings, but what they didn't realize was that their words still cut me deep and that they would stick with me for a long time.
Later down the line, high school rolled around, and I was trying to achieve the goal to play college ice hockey. With this goal came discipline, constant practicing, and weight lifting. At this point in my life, probably most of my body weight was in the lower half of my body. I had a thin waistline, but my hips were widespread. Early on in my high school days, I learned that my lower half was desirable in a sexual way. Catcalling in the hallways, guys mentioning how nice my butt looked, and constant comments from other women about how they "wished to have an a** like mine." That is when the insecurities and self-doubt started to set in. None of my boyfriends I had in high school said my smile was the first thing they noticed about me. It was always when I had my back turned, literally, that they admitted that was when they would ask a friend who I originally was if they didn't already know me. Many thought I would take that as a compliment, and sometimes I did, but mostly it just cemented the fact that it was a defining feature of my body, which made me more self-conscious overall. I tried to find clothes that covered my backside like longer hoodies, or artist style or flared jeans to help not bring attention to that area. Bathing suits were the ultimate struggle. I avoided most pool situations and would only participate in activities that included a bathing suit around people I was 100% comfortable with. It was always an inner struggle within myself.
As I started college and my teen body turned more into a women's body, you can only imagine how self-conscious I had become. Instagram was starting to take off, and all these beautiful women were more accessible to compare yourself to. Like any other platform, the women seen as the "most beautiful" got most of the attention. I remember the moment where I realized I was starting to compare myself more to others. This guy I had liked mentioned how this woman he followed on Instagram was "his type," and I immediately signed on and looked at her profile. Not only was she significantly older than our tender age of eighteen at the time, but she looked nothing like me. That once again knocked me down harder than I had anticipated.
Now I am 21. I am about to travel abroad for the first time, and I am thrilled about it. I had been through some emotional growth and started doing cardio to stay in society's term of "in shape." My body image had turned more positive, I had gained some confidence, and I was ready to finally focus on something other than how I looked for once. I stepped off that plane ready to be a new person and experience new things like a different culture and part of the world. My soul felt filled with joy, and all I wanted to do was buy everything I saw. I was in an Asian country where the average woman is more petite than me. That made shopping for someone my size extremely difficult. When the store doesn't carry your size, you start to realize how those plus-sized girls feel every single day at home. It is a surreal realization because when you're in the United States, and you can shop for your desired measurement, you take it for granted. Then out of nowhere, you are thrown into a situation where you start to understand a whole new perspective than you ever knew because you put into their shoes. I spent three months in that country, envious of my best friend because she was a tiny woman. I was always one of the tallest, broadest shouldered, and overall thickest around. It was a wake-up call for when I came back to the United States. I mentally had to get back into a headspace where I realized I wasn't the biggest anymore and that I no longer could relate to so many women out there who happen to be larger than a size 04. I became more empathetic and acknowledging others' struggles, and wanted to make sure everyone who was around me felt comfortable in their skin.
At age 23, I went to Italy. When I first landed in Milan, I noticeably realized how pale I was. Everyone around me was beautifully tan! I looked sickly next to the locals. Many travelers commented on my pale complexion, and local restaurant employees always made sure I got a table in the shade. I have been able to have the privilege of not being concerned about the color of my skin from birth, so being conscious of it was new to me. I was applying sunscreen every hour because I didn't want to be, "Oh look, mom! It's a lobster over there!" to some child passing me on the street. I was already dealing with being the pale woman that I didn't want to be the red one instead. As the trip went on and the longer I spent outdoors exploring, my skin started to darken, and I didn't feel as noticeable by the tail end of the visit.
That trip was when I tried to start my blog for the first time, but I felt uncomfortable in front of a camera. The solution: environmental photography! I took so many photos of the buildings, tourist attractions, and landscapes that I had to continuously delete old photographs from my phone to create space for new ones. I avoided the camera at all costs. I was also traveling alone, so the physically taking a picture of me was another complication. I wasn't confident enough to lug a tripod or selfie stick around with me. Unfortunately, because of this, my first attempt at a blog failed because it felt impersonal. There was no way for the viewer to respond to who I was because I, myself, wasn't allowing my walls to come down.
Even now, there are so many travel bloggers out there trying to achieve the same dreams as mine. I find myself comparing my page to theirs. Sometimes it's for the better, like what design or color palette attracts people. Other times, I catch myself wishing I was prettier or a tad bit slimmer because the other travel blogger's photos were amazing. At these moments, I remember that most of these photos aren't genuine moments shared within a trip, that they all contain a backstory. I am still learning how to accept my body and trying not to have outside influences affect my way of thinking. Everyone can relate to having insecurities about themselves whether they are small, larger, more muscular, skinny, there is something in everyone that individual doesn't like about themselves physically. It is normal to have them. It is how you deal with them and learn from them that help you going internally into loving yourself.
Comments